#810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules
The Tim Ferriss Show
Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. His book I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression , the first book ever written on the topic of male depression, is a national bestseller. His new book, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a New York Times bestseller. Sponsors: Cresset prestigious family office for CEOs, founders, and entrepreneurs: https://cressetcapital.com/tim (book a call today) Ramp easy-to-use corporate cards, bill payments, accounting, and more: https://ramp.com/tim (Get $250 when you join Ramp) Wealthfront high-yield cash account: https://Wealthfront.com/Tim (Start earning 4.00% APY on your short-term cash until you’re ready to invest. And when new clients open an account today, you can get an extra fifty-dollar bonus with a deposit of five hundred dollars or more.) Terms apply. Tim Ferriss receives cash compensation from Wealthfront Brokerage, LLC for advertising and holds a non-controlling equity interest in the corporate parent of Wealthfront Brokerage. See full disclosures here . Timestamps: [00:00:00] Start. [00:05:51] The pumpernickel story. [00:09:44] Wise adult, wounded child, and adaptive child. [00:11:25] Relational mindfulness. [00:12:11] Remembering love. [00:13:29] Why do we remain loyal to bad relationships? [00:16:58] The RLT stance on taking a position as a therapist. [00:18:46] Objectivity battles. [00:24:11] Entering into compassionate curiosity about your partner’s subjective experience. [00:29:40] Normal marital hatred. [00:34:19] Taking the first steps toward repair. [00:37:03] Empathizing with someone whose reality doesn’t match yours. [00:39:45] Should you stay or should you go? Understanding relational reckoning. [00:43:41] Leveraging a resistant partner toward therapy. [00:46:03] The preconditions that must be addressed before RLT can be effective. [00:48:37] Understanding covert depression in men. [00:52:52] Determining underlying depression. [00:54:36] Favored modalities for working with trauma. [00:55:04] Parsing the patriarchy. [00:59:35] Taking care of your relationship’s biosphere without being codependent. [01:03:23] Terry’s prescription for overcoming my own faulty childhood templates. [01:07:05] Pondering gender expectations and expressions. [01:13:06] Were Terry’s distinctly different boys raised similarly? [01:15:05] A good Morani vs. a great Morani. [01:16:53] The greatest achievement of Terry’s life. [01:18:44] Advice for people who want to be better parents than the ones they had. [01:21:17] The typical format of Terry’s men’s group therapy. [01:23:56] Full-respect living, group guidelines, and boundaries. [01:25:07] Comparing and contrasting Relational Life Therapy (RLT) with Internal Family Systems (IFS). [01:27:54] Modern relationship challenges — from polyamory to monogamy. [01:29:53] The research is clear: Humans are born to be intimate. [01:32:16] Toxic femininity and the new world order. [01:34:40] Relational empowerment vs. individual empowerment. [01:35:45] One up, one down. [01:37:50] From grandiosity to baseline: Relational joy vs. gratification. [01:43:06] How to learn more about Terry’s work. [01:45:16] Recommended reading. [01:49:09] Terry’s billboard. [01:49:34] Parting thoughts. * For show notes and past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show , please visit tim.blog/podcast . For deals from sponsors of The Tim Ferriss Show , please visit tim.blog/podcast-sponsors Sign up for Tim’s email newsletter ( 5-Bullet Friday ) at tim.blog/friday . For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts . Discover Tim’s books: tim.blog/books . 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